January 5, 2008

Well I did it.....I survived my first day of boot camp! My #1 goal was to not puke. Mission accomplished. Of the 8 ladies that were there, 3 of them did puke but my posse (my 2 girlfriends) were not one of them.

I picked Sherry up at 4:20 to be there at 4:30. We were the first ones there....we even beat the instructor. Points for us, right? Well he pulled up and Sherry said, "That is definitely him!" He stepped out of his car in full drill instructor garb....camo pants, utility belt (what kind of tools/weapons could he possibly be carrying at 4:30 am?) and the infamous DI hat. It was pretty intimidating. The first thing he said was, "Step over here so I can measure you." Wow...I normally like a guy to take me out to dinner or something ahead of time. He measured every fat roll on my body and recorded it down in my file. I would have liked to have been in HIS head at that time, or maybe not. Then he input my weight, height, and age into this secret contraption and he handed it to me. "This will measure your body fat percentage." Oh and by the way, I gained 6# in the last week so I had to write "239" on the "Record of Torture" (I mean my Weight Loss Tracker). Oh and by the way, my hormones played a terrible trick on me and I started my period on Sunday. So I'm not sure how I feel about weighing 6# more then I thought I did (and it was on MY scale both times so you can't say, "But Brenda, different scales weigh you differently!" You are all my good friends and I know you would like me to feel better but don't even try it. :) ANYWAY period = huge weight gain for my body. But who cares, right? I mean was I thrilled to write 233 but not so thrilled to write 239? After you reach a certain point it really isn't a stretch!

Anyway (had to start a new paragraph since I digressed so).....I grabbed his little thingamajigger and smoke started coming out of it! I broke the machine! Okay, no seriously....I didn't break it but my body fat was almost 40%. I almost died on the spot.

Did I mention he was doing all of this measuring and body fat calculations IN THE DARK (remember it is 4:30 in the morning) so that made all of this almost comical. He was using his headlights to measure my thighs....I mean that is just something I never thought I would type or say or do.

After he gets done measuring he barks "Take t-shirt out of box." I comply and then he moves on to the next person to begin their measurements. "Go stretch out", he barks again. So I am walking around trying to find a place that is out of the wind (did I mention it is 46 degrees and 4:30 in the morning) when it suddenly hits me.....this is completely insane! If Sherry hadn't been there I would have surely slid into my car (did I mention I have seat heaters?) and gone home to my Keurig and fattening creamer. But alas, I had my boot camp buddy with me so after she finished her torture, I mean measurements, we headed for the covered pavilion to begin the workout.

"Oh, good!" I thought, "I bet it is not as cold and windy under the pavilion." Nope. Wrong. Then I look up and my heart is warmed when my other friend Missy walks up. She is my amazing friend that has lost around 80 pounds using this crazy man's boot camp method. She looks adorable and is chipper and upbeat and I was so excited to see her! I jokingly asked her to come but never in a million years did I think that she actually would have come to support me on my first day. So now I have 2 good friends with me and I am ready to take on the world, or at least 1 crazy Jamaican boot camp instructor (I'm not sure if he really is Jamaican...I am guessing from his accent that he is from somewhere near the Caribbean....Bahamas maybe?)

My pride was quickly deflated when he brought out this crazy torture device. He called it a "pipe". He made it sound so mundane like, you know....a "pipe". Well I picked up my "pipe" and realized very quickly there was something wrong with my pipe. I told Sherry, "There's something wrong with my pipe....it is filled with something and feels really heavy." She said, "Yeah, mine too!" Well I was about to complain to Mr. Boot Camp that my pipe was damaged when he began barking orders....."First we do squats. Then we do jumping jacks. Then we do push-outs. Ready! 1, 2, 3, go!" And then we began. Well, so much for letting him know my pipe was messed up!

Well a few minutes later I quickly realized that I had other "pipe" issues as in I wish I had done those Kegels they told me about! Note to self: do kegels before jumping around holding lead pipe!

Well after we did 3 sets of 4 different exercises we moved on to "arm workout". What!?!?!? What was that we just did? Apparently a warmup or something. So anyway we moved on to arm lifts, curls, and something else I would rather soon forget. We did 3 different sets of that. In between all of this the 3 ladies walked off to puke and he said, "Find a tree!" Then after they had hurled he said, "Now come back to your mat!" Geez. Enough said about that.

We also did too many push-ups to count. Thankfully he let us do girl push-ups on our knees but I'm not sure how long that luxury will last. The last part of the workout was crunches. I can do a few crunches. I DO have ab muscles somewhere under my 39% body fat. However, I cannot do 100 crunches. I really thought this part was going to kill me.

That was the last part of the workout. I felt like Rocky after running to the top of all those stairs (do you think he had 39% body fat?)

Mr. Boot Camp spent a few minutes talking about the food plan. Wanna know what it is without paying a gajillion dollars? Don't eat anything that tastes good or looks good. There ya have it! Oh and also don't put anything that could be considered "flavoring" on any of your food. This includes creamer (my coffee!), sugar, Splenda, butter, Ranch dressing, etc. And then he had 1 other "don't eat".....diet soda. WHAT!?!?!? No Diet Dr. Pepper? This man has seriously crossed a line. Now he has entered "Brenda's Addictions" territory.

But it is THE YEAR OF BRENDA (did you forget?) That means transformation, friends. That means getting rid of the old and taking on a new! I will not be defined as anyone's Token Fat Friend (did you see that old Friends episode--truly hilarious). If I am YOUR TFF....you need to find another one because this TFF is no longer.